Do You Give Too Much?

Are You A Giver Or A Taker?

Glorious morning!

Today we will expand on a quote concerning relationships from Shakira. She is a columbian singer-songwriter.

“ Relationships have to have a give and take if they are going to work long term “

I definitely believe that, how about you? A main reason relationships fail and break apart is largely due to an imbalance in my opinion. A Lot of relationships are codependent. There is usually one person giving way more than the other one. When one person is doing most of the giving, they eventually get burnt out and , well….. Tired of giving. The person on the receiving end who isn't giving enough is usually blindsided by the break up, even though if the relationship was really examined, both parties would see where the imbalance was and how it ended.

As far as why it really ended takes a lot of mirror work. It takes a humble attitude to see where their own imbalance is and that they brought that unbalance right into the relationship as soon as it started. I call that bringing your baggage from the past, or wearing your backpack with the negative chapters of your life story to the relationship unconsciously. The over giver usually has self esteem issues that formed in childhood where they felt they needed to earn love and approval. I know that was my case. We will get to that in a bit. The taker in the unbalanced relationship may have felt rejected as a child and became a bit introverted. Sometimes when people retreat into themselves like that they can get self absorbed. When someone is self absorbed, they can only see their own needs. If their needs were unmet as children then they literally don't know how to fulfill someone else's needs.

It's funny how the giver and the taker naturally attract one another, yes? It's like the giver says hi I am going to earn your love because I am really good at that, and the taker saying, oh I have been searching for someone to take care of my needs, mine were always unmet, thank you. Obviously we don't consciously say these things but we unconsciously do. The problem with the giver is, they are looking for approval as they give. We should give simply as an expression of love, not give as a conditioned requirement to get validation for our worthiness. The problem with the taker is, they accept the givers' affections and just keep taking. We should take only if we know how to give back. Just like an exchange for services in business, I give you money for a coat I admire and you hand me the coat. I took the coat after I paid. I didn't just take the coat, that's stealing. In my former relationship, I was the giver. I was constantly working hard at giving to make sure he was happy. Because he didn't match my giving, ( or because I gave too much and for the wrong reasons ) the relationship became unbalanced and it ended.

Looking back, I now understand I felt worthless the day my uncle attacked me at age eleven. That warped my belief that I was not worth much. I then unconsciously started a habit of giving to people so I could feel good about myself, to compensate for the worthlessness I was feeling inside. I would give to validate that I was a good person. That became a way of life for me and it's easy to see why. My partner was abandoned by his mother at age 7. That devastating event started him on a journey of searching for someone to show him love and concern. He was so starved of it. Wa La! There I was, just the woman to give him what he needed. In the end, we all need to love and validate ourselves without the approval of others. We all need to learn to love ourselves properly so we don't become needy and burdensome on another person. Our own negative chapters in our lives need to be cleaned up, healed and retired before we enter into relationships so we end up in ones for the right reasons.

Are you in an unbalanced relationship and are miserable? Backpack therapy can help you understand what hidden behaviors you have. We all have them. Lets unpack them together. Make a free discovery call today. Peace be with you, Dawn

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